Farewell Poem - This is the End

"I really thank you for hearing what I had to say. The day I wrote this I started crying, but I really want to start all this over today. Well, I wrote you a poem that is wonderful."





How could they expel a kid like this and keep all the annoying ones?! I mean, I love them all, but some of them test my limits. You know those adults you can't stand? Yeah, they weren't any cuter when they were 12.

But this girl... THIS GIRL is very special to me. Her dad just died and someone said to her, "your daddy shot himself because you don't know how to read." But did that kid get expelled? Now, I don't know if her dad actually killed himself or if he was shot, but she said it was a gun.

Here's her poem and it is wonderful.

"Tears falling from my eyes,
as the sun rise,
[teacher] is smarter than a bell
Hello Kitty is her type
but she also likes to write
2+2 is 4 
as I shut the door
this is the end."

Doin' Stuff in Juvi

I swear, I walked in and this was happening. Boy was just silently marveling at a globe. This picture looks so staged. I did ask him if I could take his picture, but when I pulled out my phone I thought it was interesting how he chose to "pose" like this... how he was when I walked in.

Well, then we got to talking. We were in a classroom on the third floor. He was so pensive and unaffected by my presence and his eyes just kept shifting from the globe in his hands to gazing out the window. Below is a very condensed version of the conversation we had. Note: this young man had just been "released" from "juvi." Juvinile Hall. Jail for kids.

Me: "What are you looking at?"
Student: "I just like being high and looking out." (He meant literally high, not marijuana-high.)
Me: "Oh."
Student: "I never been up so high until they ["juvi"] had me workin' the old folks' home... I was up on the seventh floor... and I would just be starin' and starin' ...and gettin' in trouble because I just wasn't used to bein' up so high and lookin' out so I would be lookin' out da window instead a workin'. I just liked lookin' out."
Me: "Oh...yeah..."
Student: "What do you think they growin' down there?" (He pointed to the school's garden beds three stories below.)
Me: "Looks like corn or something tall. I'm not sure... what do you think?"
Student: "Could be corn. I see some squash too."
Me: "You grow squash?"
Student: "Yeah, that's another thing they had us do. They had us growin' food for us and for other people."
Me: "Wow... That's really great..."
Student: "Thaz why I didn't mind bein' there. We got to do stuff. Now I'm out and people just do nothin'."

There are many days when I say to myself "just make it to the car... just make it to the car..." and then the door shuts and I burst into tears. After that day I cried longer than I had... maybe ever. And I called my mom and thanked her because I was probably under the age of 5 when I was in some sort of hotel glass-elevator and having the experience that this nearly 15-year-old had while living in a juvenile detention center. My whole life I've "gotten to do stuff."

That day made a mark on my life and will forever change how I exist as a teacher. I can't be sure of where my students come from, what they have or what they have not experienced. Technically, my job is to teach Math. But since that day, I do everything in my power to make sure my students "get to do stuff."


P.S. Is there a #latergram for blogs? I guess you'd call this a #laterblog since this all happened within my first month of teaching and it's now February. Although, I think I cry more now than I did that first month. My students, I now refer to as "my kids." I don't know when I made the switch, but the other day someone said to me "OH, I thought you actually had kids." It's confuses people.

Fashion Tips From Ghetto Tweens + Marc Jacobs

Oops! Sorry, I can't say "ghetto" anymore? Also, "pissed" is a bad word too, apparently. But you get the point. They live in the ghetto and these are their comments on my fashion...

"[You need] more gold, more sculls... more goin' on in general."
"We need to get you into the swaaag gaaame."
"Those are some fancy pajamas you got on."
"Another nightgown?"
"Yo, where's your broom stick?"
"You took casual Friday too far."
"Rough night?"
"You know... with a few more accessories, you look like you could be teachin' at Hogwarts."

(I took that last one as a compliment, for sure!!!)

Interesting thing happened... My boyfriend got me a really nice Marc Jacobs watch and I was hesitant to wear it to work, because I guess I felt like it was possibly too flashy and 90-something percent of my students live below the poverty line. The school uniforms are government provided and even on "free dress" days some students still wear the uniform. And I really hope it's because they just don't care and not because they don't have other clothes. Whelp, I'm gonna start crying let's get back to the point of the story.

So I wore the watch to work and they NOTICED and boy did they COMMENT.

"DAAANG!!!"
"Mmmm that's niiice!!"
"I'm glad he finally buyin' you stuff."
"WOOOOOO!!!!"

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.

The point is, they were happy for me! It's like they were offended before... that since I have money, why wouldn't I dress like it? It reminded me of a conversation I had in college with one of my friends who is gay. I said to him, "I'm not getting married until it's legal for gay people too." My friend was offended by this. He pointed out that as a "straight person" it is wrong for me to not take advantage of a right that I am fortunate to have.

Okay, maybe that was a weird connection. Please don't misinterpret. Believe me, I have bought kids' shoes, paid their heat, and I budget for pencils since Lord knows they NEVER have a pencil and claim "but I just had it!" every damn day.

On the flip side, there's something to be said for self-preservation. For me, that means a gym membership, vodka tonics, and hitting up the occasional sale at J. Crew (teachers get 20% off! Even sale items!) And I always know what time it is and I always look at least a little pretty because of my Marc Jacobs watch!!!!!

Always Crying and Always Eating

My students are very confused why at the ripe age of 25 I don't have any children. My response is always, "I have 100 kids! YOU guys!!!" Some laugh but some still look at me with sad eyes like they feel sorry for me or something. I have some students that are very fixated on my personal life and always prying for more information. When I told them my boyfriend and I don't live together, they looked at me like I had two heads. Anyway, for whatever reason my students are really rushing me to have babies.

One day, one of my fav snitches reported to me that there was a rumor going around that I was pregnant because I am "always crying and always eating." I felt the need to address this (which was such a rookie mistake) and, well, whatever I said to squash that rumor somehow left them with the impression that I am a virgin. So now there is a new rumor that I am a virgin, and I'm just not even going to go there. 

Looking back, the evidence is clear. Here are three instances that come to mind...

1. A boy said to me "Don't cry...but I did my homework and I showed all my work on a separate sheet of paper." And I seriously could not hold it together. 

2. I frequently carry a jar of peanut butter around and spoon feed it to myself as I pass through the isles of desks when I check their homework. I usually have music on and kind of prance while I chew. 

3. This happened:

Me: "Class, I have some really exciting news!" (...I started choking up)

Student: "OH MY GAWD YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!"

Me: "NO! ...You all got above a 70 on the quiz." 

I love my students so much that even thinking about how much I'd love my own child is absolutely terrifying. ALSO I am only a little terrified for myself (and future spouse) for when the day comes (Lord willing) that I am actually pregnant, because I already act so pregnant!!! But my students will be rejoicing, for sure. 

Charters Whip Teachers, Fire Teachers, and Kick Kids Out

Pardon my ignorance, this is only my observation and personal experience. Charter schools (more than public schools) care what everyone else thinks about them. An ordinary public school "cares" if they have caring-types running the place, but it's not like they are at risk for getting shut down so it's up to them if they care about their reputation or not... or care about their students. Public schools will have 40 kids in every classroom no matter what. I mean, I'm not up to date on all the laws but I am positive it is against the law for public schools to just not exist. Sadly, there are too many poor people (and even middle class people) who cannot afford private schools, so kids just keep going to these (mostly) terrible public schools.

Charter schools: They are constantly recruiting and also putting tons of added pressure on the teachers to increase test scores so their doors don't get closed or lights don't go out or whatever the expression is.  Sometimes they kick kids out and don't tell the teachers until it's too late. The expectations they place on teachers are laughably unrealistic. Let me exaggerate a conversation that happened to me just the other day...

Administrator: "Good morning! You won't be seeing 'so-and-so' anymore so today we are giving you three new students. One of them will be great, he had an older brother go here. The other two we don't know much about but they seem to not know any English. One is from Somalia and the other is from Mexico... or maybe it was El Salvador? Anyway, make sure everyone gets above a 70% so we can become a reward school or I may fire you because we don't want to our school to get shut down and also because I make 150k+ a year and I need more Gucci ties. Got that?"

Me: "Roger!!! Oh yeah, and expel my favorite student while you're at it... but be sure to NOT expel the student that makes my life a LIVING HELL because we need their brilliant, docile sibling who is super good at soccer!!!"

If only I had the balls to say these things. I love my job so damn much that I am a huge wimp and say "yes sir" to whatever my principal suggests even though he has never been a teacher so he's usually pretty off. I live in fear of getting fired. Even though coworkers have told me I should not be worried, I am TOTALLY ALWAYS WORRIED. Sadly, I am scarred. My best friend at work got fired in October and it tore my heart in half. The turn-over has been CRAZY and it's because of all the added work and added pressure they put on the teachers because of the fear of getting shut down. Not to mention the teachers work way more hours for the same pay as public school teachers, but that's not even the part that gets to me. The worst part is the politics and how they can just "kick kids out" and teachers don't have control over this process.

On a different day I will talk about why my school (and other charters) are great. But today, I am frustrated and heart-broken. I think my next post will be more upbeat, as it will be featuring one of my favorite expelled students. I'm already excited and feeling happier just thinking about all the glowing things I'll have to say.

Being Firm So They Love Themselves

One thing that was hard for me at first was "being firm." I have gotten really really good at that... because I have to be! Otherwise it's a circus. But also I have seen how it positively effects my students.

Before I was a teacher, when I DREAMED of becoming of teacher and when I would visit schools and hear the way teachers talked to their students I would think "wow that was rude. I would never do that. I am so nice and wonderful and I would do better than that person." Well, no. Now I get it. Sometimes you just have to give a kid a STARE DOWN until they SIT DOWN. And saying things like "sit up, pick up your pencil, and copy the (%@#&!*&) problem down" is 100% necessary.

Because I teach multiple grade levels I have learned that 6th grade age does the best with this "firm talk." They don't wanna get called out because they want attention (unlike other grades). They want to test me to see if I'm serious... but ultimately they want to be called out because they want to be GOOD.  By being firm they trust me, respect me, and like me... because they like themselves. If my 6th graders like me for only one reason, it's because I make them like THEMSELVES. And it's by me. being. firm. 

"[But] if you see that I am not trying, go over there and straighten me up so I can do better."

Buttons That Sting (and a cute note)

My latest teaching-struggle is taking things personally. You think I don't already know not to take things personally? People say "you can't take things personally" to me like I don't already know this. Bottom line, only I have been in my shoes so the rest of y'all can just put down your gabbles and take the plank out of your eye because you're adding to the problem. It's tiring being ridiculed by ungrateful adolescents after I've stayed up all night searching for youtube videos about fraction models because a kid (who never does the homework) still doesn't get that 1/4 is less than a half!!! And all the while I'm expected to be "fun" because I set the bar too high in the beginning of the year (rookie mistake). If I don't wear a wig and tap dance whilst teaching inequalities then I'm not fun.*

As much as I'd like to be an unwavering, revered, and mysterious teacher, I'm certainly not. Mysterious is probably the last thing that I am. I'm extremely feelingful and this is obvious to the children. I strive to let those feelings be the force that drives me to be a better teacher, and not a weaker one. However, my students can sense when I am losing momentum and that's when they start pushing buttons... and I take things personally. By now they've pushed all the buttons and so they know the ones that don't work and the ones that really really really work.

Buttons that didn't work:
"Your acne looks like chicken pocks"
"Your eyebrows need work"
"Your outfit was better yesterday"
"You look like a pilgrim"
"You were prettier in the beginning of the year"
"I hope you get some sleep this weekend so you can be pretty again"

Buttons that worked / still work:
While taking a quiz "You didn't really teach this" (when I really tried to teach whatever it was)
"You don't know what you're talking about" (when I know they're right)
"You're not being fun" (this is just annoying to hear because I am so. damn. fun.)
"You care more about ______ than me" (that one is NEVER true but I feel bad if they think that)
Bell rings "Ugh, finally!" (so sad)
The worst is when they say nothing and completely ignore me (That one STINGS!!!)


But then I get notes like this...

"I am so glad you are my teacher because you make me feel safe and you show that you care about me. That's mainly what I am focused on about teachers. If they show that they really care about me and I really thank you for that."



*I really do wear wigs and tap dance for my students